Expert advice

Desiree Spierings: sexologist

Desiree is the Director of Sexual Health Australia and is a qualified and experienced Sex Therapist and Relationship Counsellor. Desiree answers female related sex questions for ninemsn Health. ASK ME A QUESTION QUESTION

Sexual fantasy

Monday, May 30, 2011
"It is important to talk about this at a different time all together."
Topics:
sex

Question:

I have a fantasy about having sex quite forcefully but when I try to describe this to my partner it either breaks the mood entirely or he tries but fails to get it right. He keeps asking me what I want him to do but that totally misses the point and we end up both frustrated and awkward. I have thought about suggesting we watch some clips online but worry that would just make him more self-conscious. Is there anything you can recommend?

Response:

I would always recommend having these specific conversations outside the bedroom. What I mean by that is to not talk about specific sexual suggestions or the things you don't like while you are having a sexual encounter or about to have one. It is important to talk about this at a different time all together. This way it does not have to kill the mood at a specific sexual encounter and does not affect the other partner's sexual confidence, since you are not judging his current performance.

Moreover, when you are about to have this conversation with or without showing him some online clips, start by giving him a compliment. Tell him something along the lines of, "You know the other day when you tried to have sex with me in a bit more of a forceful way, it really turned me on, and I thought it would be fun to explore this a bit more together with you?" That way he does not feel like you are telling him he is doing something wrong, but that you want to let him know what else you might be into and that you want to explore this together with him.

Additionally, what you could do during lovemaking then is giving him positive sexual feedback. This is a way of letting your partner know what you do like while he is doing it. This positive feedback is a roundabout way of teaching him what you want him to do, but without asking him for it directly. In turn it makes him feel good because he realises that what he is doing is having the desired effect on you.

For more information please visit the Sexual Health Australia website.


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