Question:

I am 44 and was raped by my cousin when I was seven. I attract violent relationships and carry with me a "hate" of myself. I am now not depressed (for the last eight months) for the first time in my life. I am very strong and can be confident but I would like to learn how to get rid of the little girl inside me that is self-destructive.

I have had lots of counselling and I live a life where I am a working full-time single mum but would like a relationship (not someone to move in and save me because I can do that myself) but someone to having a loving and sexual relationship with? Do you have any ideas?

Answer:

It sounds like you're in a good place now after many years of dealing with the psychological effects of what happened, and are able to focus on the future and let go of how the past was affecting you. As well as the immediate consequences of such an assault, many people are understandably affected by post-traumatic stress, where vivid, unwanted memories of, and reactions to, the event are relived, sometimes for many years.

Therapy from a skilled psychotherapist can have a dramatic positive impact in helping people deal with these reactions, to refocus on all that is positive in their life now, and to feel empowered and strong in themselves about the possibilities of the future. I'm glad to hear you have received this kind of support, and do remember to see your GP and ask for similar support again if you ever have the need in the future.

As to your more general question of where a confident single woman can find a loving relationship, that's a problem many people I know would like the solution to. I wish I had an easy answer! If you feel that your past experience is holding you back in this area, then do consult a professional therapist again, but otherwise it's something to discuss with friends or others you trust.

If you have any other concerns about mental health, now or in the future, remember you can call the SANE helpline on 1800 18 SANE (7263) or visit www.sane.org.